Tori Olds, a therapist at Deep Eddy Psychotherapy in Austin, TX, talks about couples therapy and how it is more about learning the way each other’s nervous systems work, rather than any kind of blame game.
Couples Therapy is Not a Blame Game
Couples work and relationships is not a blame game. I really believe this to my core. It’s not about blame or fault. It’s not about faults. We do what are brains are wired to do, we don’t know what we are doing. It’s not conscious, it’s not to hurt anybody. It’s just what we got into the habit or pattern of because it’s what we had to do with our parents.
There’s Never a Bad Guy or a Good Guy
As a couple’s therapist, it is really important for us to hold that space and remind people of that. Even if we’re looking at crappy things we’re doing or unhelpful things, we’re not doing it to shame the person. We aren’t looking to make someone out as the bad guy or the good guy. There’s nothing like that in couples therapy.
Couples Therapy is About Approaching Your Relationship with Curiosity
It’s more about approaching everything with curiosity and seeing what happens in the system of the couple that’s unique, that’s never happened before. It’s you and them, it’s your issues coming together and then seeing how they blend. In couples therapy, we really want to understand how that happens and how we can have it happen better. But there’s never a bad guy and a good guy. I’ve never seen that.
Everyone always has something that they are bringing to a situation. Often, when we really delve into it, it’s way different than the story that a person has about it. For instance, someone might say, “They are so distant and I just want closeness,” but then when they really start to get close to the partner they begin to say, “Oh god, now I’m feeling uncomfortable.”
Couples are Often More Similar to Each Other Than They Think
We are really more similar to each other and often couples are more similar to each other than they realized. So, in therapy, we don’t buy the story that they come in with and there’s never any taking sides. It’s actually not about that at all. It’s really about looking at how they deal with each other’s nervous systems and whether it’s effective or not. And if it’s not, we’ll work with it.
Starting Couples Therapy in Austin, TX
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