Attachment Theory

Mindfulness has become something of a buzz word, and for good reason. After all, it is an amazing tool. That being said, rarely do people appreciate that mindfulness is more than a tool, technique, or even a practice. It it is a way of being with ourselves and others that goes back to what makes humans human: our innate ability to form relationships. After all, mindfulness is all about being present with what is, and doing so without judgment. And relationships? Just the same! Healthy relationships are built upon our capacity to pay attention to one another, to show-up and be PRESENT with another person (and with ourselves), and to also do so without judgement. That is why mindfulness is so much more than a technique–it is very deep way of relating. When we bare witness to our fellow human (or ourselves) with attention that is open, observant, and willing to be with what IS, rather than what we think should be, this is mindfulness. It is also the foundation of love.

When we think of mindfulness as the deepest, most loving way of relating, the link between mindfulness and attachment (ie the security of the parent/child bond), becomes clear. Whenever a parent slows down and pays attention to the inner life of their child, they are practicing what some call ‘relational mindfulness’. When a parent offers this relational mindfulness to their child, they are not only fostering secure attachment, but are also teaching (through templating) how the child should relate to themselves (and of course others). They are showing the child’s brain how to pay attention inwardly and stay with the reality of the moment. For those children lucky enough to have relationally mindful parents (ie parents who pay attention to and BE with their child’s experience–most powerfully their emotions–without trying to fix them or ignore them or judge them), a mindful inner state is naturally developed.
Of course, many of us had parents who were unable to slow down and truly be present with us…with our emotions or needs or internal struggles. The most common reason for this would be if our parents never had the experience of being tracked and connected to in this way themselves–and thereby learned to devalue or even fear (and therefore ignore or judge) any part of their own inner world. This happens all the time, and of course creates a cycle where new parents relate to their child with the same distancing, avoidance, or judgment they themselves experienced (and also direct toward themselves).

This type of emotional neglect where parents ignore their child’s inner world (or even punish it) is not only common and very damaging, it is fundamentally the opposite of mindfulness, which is all about presence and non-judgment. Therefore, in essence most parents are literally training their children to have a non-mindful approach to life. Too many parents unknowingly condition their child to distance, or numb, or deny, or shame, or be frightened of some part of their mind’s authentic unfolding (whether that be an emotion, impulse, need, desire, etc.). That is why as adults so many of us are in desperate need of some mindfulness practice! When we practice mindfulness we are taking back the reigns and choosing to relate to ourselves as if we deserve to be connected with as we truly are, rather than be managed or shamed. When we mindfully track our inner experience, we are loving ourselves in the deepest way possible. That is why many consider mindfulness to be the foundation of self-compassion. It is a natural, powerful way of relating to ourselves, our partners, and our children, and is so much more than a simple practice. (Yet practice it we must!)

If you would like a more in-depth description of how it is we learn to fear (or ignore) our inner experience (and therefore fail to truly understand ourselves), please watch the video I made on this subject below. Thank you for visiting us!